echoing through eternity!

Words...we use them all day long, we use them when we are happy, sad, mad, frustrated etc. Sometimes we plan them carefully and sometimes we shoot them off as they come. Sometimes we use them wisely and sometimes we wish we could take them back. Words may just be our most powerful tool, but how often do we really think of how important they are. How often does it occur to us that our words may just echo through eternity. My grandmother passed away when I was a baby, but I have always felt as if I knew her because all my life I have been told by my mother of things she use to say. Her touch, her smell, her laugh are not things that anyone can share with me, but her words are with our family always those of us who knew her and even those who did not. We say things all the time that have no meaning. I can't remember half of the things I say... I say things to my children and sometimes immediately think "OH NO, how much is that going to cost me in therapy" Why don't we guard our words more carefully or try to say things to our children more often that will keep them out of therapy. My grandfather would always say to me " ask me my opinion now, because one day you'll want to and I won't be here to give it to you" How right he turned out to be. There are so many moments when I wish I could ask him for his thoughts, I may not always have liked what I heard, but what I wouldn't give to hear it again. I am so fortunate that he left me so many words to remember him by. He said "gd be with you" instead of goodbye. He said Shema out loud every time he walked into his house and kissed the mezuza. Any time one of us grandchildren were acting up or irritating our parents, he would look to the parent, his child and say, " This is my revenge." Now that I have a 20 month old mega mischievous child who is constantly getting into trouble I frequently find my self rather than getting upset smiling and saying ok Abuelo I get it...this is your revenge. His words stay with me daily and keep him close to my heart. The greatest present or worst harm we can do is with our words. So here's to being inspired and blessed to have the right words at the right time, words that will be with our children and grandchildren when we cannot.

The Motherhood Roller coaster

Having Small Children is physically draining! It's a fact that is unavoidable, we don't sleep enough, don't get out enough, don't sit enough. Its part of the ride unfortunately we also don't appreciate it enough!

We don't ponder how quickly this time goes or stop often enough to revel in it.
I myself find it very difficult to focus on how wonderful this small period of small children really is.

So when My son brought me my present of the day ( a red rhinestone he told me is a diamond) I forced myself to stop and take it in.
The right now of it all and remind myself that as tiring as it is right now this is my turn.
One day, even though at 4 he claims he isn't getting married. It will be somebody else's turn.
Someone else's turn to care for him, ease his fears, know all his likes and dislikes and make him happy.

It's the roller coaster of Motherhood as you wait on line you feel you will never get there, but once you're on the ride it's fast ups and downs and next thing you know you're off the roller coaster looking over your shoulder at the people behind you waiting in line...

A Year Made Up Of Days

I have used this blog mainly as a way to vent and release. Self therapy you could say. SO even though I haven't blogged in... a long time. Today as I face a day in my year here I am releasing.

When you're having a hard year it isn't so much about the year as a whole it's surviving the days. Some are hard some easy some fast some slow it's one day at a time.
The year moves past in a series of days. For me along with everything in what I call "regular life" is the loss of my Grandfather.

Holidays past, Birthdays, Anniversary's, day's when I wanted to share a funny story about my kids, days when I needed advice, days when I needed a hug. Now Here I am facing a year face to face, but I don't recognize it, it's just another day of loss.

Today is different, Rather than find a nice ending or sharing a light bulb moment I'm just going to allow myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling...

I guess that is my conclusion sometimes we just need to feel whatever it is we are feeling good or bad just let the feeling embrace us and take over.

So whether you are happy or sad, Mad or in love the challenge is... Just let it be. It's only one day in the year...

HOW & WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!!!

Do you ever pause for a moment in time, look around at your life and think... HOW & WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!!

I think I do this every day. As I watch my husband leave for work, as I hear my children say things and think How did they compose that thought? As I pay bills, cook for shabbos, drive car pool, grocery shop. The list goes on, but I think you get the idea.

Somehow even though we make hundreds and thousands of decisions that land us where we are today.
At some point we find ourselves thinking, saying or screaming HOW & WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!!!

When it's the domino affect of our own decisions that got us there in the first place.
We accept a job, we get married, we buy a car...and so on.

Today let's take a different approach, let's do the best we can to pay the bills, stop and smell the food we are cooking, sing to car pool, take a peak into our stocked pantries, listen to the wacky things our children say, smile at your spouse and say....

THANK G-D THIS HAPPENED TO ME :-)

Have a wonderful Shabbos !

Upside Down Universe!

So in the continuous battle to loose weight and get into shape, there is one main issue that I have thought of

As I fight to decide what to eat and to keep the things I shouldn't eat out of my mouth and as I push myself to the gym through the work out and then limp to my car...

This whole process is backwards:
When we are eating we are savoring what we are doing, we enjoy every bite, we laugh and share with others and marvel over flavor ,color and smell, but beware the monday morning quarterback. As we finish eating, enjoying our tasty treat the doom and gloom begins.
Oh I shouldn't have eaten that, or UCH now I feel sick etc.

However when we work out we don't wanna be there, we curse and mutter through the work out and try to keep ourselves from quitting or passing out.
Yet as soon as we finish we are on a high, we feel like a million bucks and are certain that yes we must endure this again.

So why I ask you can't it be the other way around?
Wouldn't it be easier to not want to eat, but have to in order for survival purposes and love, enjoy and crave working out?

Really it is so simple I say as I eat my steel cut oats and exhale while pulling my gym clothes out of my draw...

Just another day in this upside down universe.

They've come to suck your blood

In my recent revisiting of my teenage years I watched a show about vampires, (laugh all you want, I can take it)
but when you watch things as an adult your thought process changes, just as everything else in the world changes as you become an adult, wife, mother... etc

As I drowned in vampire glory I found myself chuckling, what's so funny about a stupid vampire show you ask?
It's because I have decided that the creator of vampires must have been a nursing mother...

A vampire is a creature who sleeps by day and is up at night and physically sucks the life force right out of you.

It makes sense doesn't it! Babies completely exhaust us, they keep us up at night and suck us dry until we are left feeling totally devoid of energy.

Now here's the thing they start as babies, but just like vampires once you are a parent this feeling of exhaustion and drain, it lasts FOREVER, because they never tire and they just keep coming back for more.

Our children may be beautiful and smart and the best thing that ever happens to us, but let's be real here no matter how precious and wonderful they are...

They've come to suck your blood :-)

You don't bring me flowers Anymore

They say "Time Heals All"

What we choose not to discuss is the time before the healing comes. The time when we cannot fathom how the healing will happen, or how much time exactly it will take.

I have sat down to write this post several times over the last few days.
What I wanted to write about is the amazing power that my mother's soup has. No matter how sick achy or tired I am. It's Love Potion #9. It makes me feel better than tylenol, tea or any other remedies and it doesn't matter what kind of soup as long as she makes it.

For whatever reason I wasn't able to get the words out and what my mind kept lingering too was my Grandfather.
Growing up almost always when I was home sick even if it was just a runny nose he use to send me flowers.
Many times attached to a balloon or teddy bear just saying feel better and I love you.
It always made me smile and feel special.

I think the hardest part about loosing him, the hardest part of this healing process was that my Grandfather was the type of person that gave you love in such a way it made you feel like if no one else in this world loved you it didn't matter because his love was always more than enough.

So the last few days feeling sick and being at home it has been the kind of days where time has done nothing for me really and I find the lyrics to a song by one of his favorite singers Neil Diamond playing over and over in my mind...

"I remember all the things you taught me. I learned how to laugh and I learned how to cry,
well, I learned how to love and I learned how to lie.
So you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye...
You don't bring me flowers anymore."


Everyone should merit having someone in their life whose love transcends all boundaries and time.

Time may heal pain, but love remains forever.